Mental Health Post #13: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Lucky number thirteen!  Seems appropriate since I'm going to talk about something that often comes around the same time as spooky season...Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka SAD).  This kind of depression is one that comes about when there is less sunlight (as in the northern and southern-most latitudes) for a part of the year.  I start to notice about the beginning of September since I live in Northern Utah.  It can also occur in places that are frequently cloudy.  (I definitely had trouble in the Pacific Northwest and in Michigan for the 8 months of winter!)  I know that I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember.  Which is strange because autumn is by far my favorite time of year, and I adore the big holiday season.  Is there anything cozier than sitting in your house sipping a hot drink with a book while the snow falls softly down outside (and a heat-producing chonk snoring next to you)?  For a long time I brushed it off and attempted to not deal with it.  That worked to a certain extent, but I always struggled when I got to January.  It probably should've been a red flag that my birthday month was also the worst month ever.  Or maybe February was...  Either way, I could almost not stand how the end of winter dragged on, especially after the effervescence of the holidays.  I felt so droopy and endlessly listless.  I wanted to sleep all day, but not the escapism of depression sleeping.  I had little ambition to accomplish things I was earlier excited about and I really had to push myself to exercise.  I was emotionally fragile and had a lot more trouble coping with disappointment and challenges.

At some point, I decided to address this issue for me.  I couldn't change the weather, or speed up time, but I could change some of my personal habits and thought patterns.  I was already taking antidepressants by then, so I wondered if I should be taking a different kind of medication.  What turned out to be important for me was to make sure I was doing well in managing my medications: making sure to take them regularly, and watching for signs that I needed to up my dose or switch to different kind of antidepressant.  I also found that if I burned the candle at both ends through the holidays, I would have a sort of emotional hangover in January that would be hard to overcome.  The very most important thing though, was knowing that how I felt wasn't forever.  That in a few months time I would be drowning in hot sun on my skin and even putting aloe on burns.  In fact, this very concept of impermanence is so crucial for all of my mental health ideation.  Knowing that the future will be different and that change will come is part of how I am able to get through harder times.  It doesn't make it easy, but it can make it bearable.  I mentioned before how I love the scriptural verse, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  I hadn't thought too much of this verse until one day many years ago, I was talking to my sister and she mentioned that she and her husband had talked about that verse and how important it was to take things one day at a time.  When I have been at my lowest (like my first experience with PPD), there were days where I was taking it every 10 minutes or half hour at a time.  Derek likes to say you can do anything for 10 minutes (this was in relation to doing plank at one point and I don't think I'm the only one who thinks doing plank for 10 minutes is bananas!).  There are days when I think, I can get through this day.  And then we'll see how tomorrow goes, but I bet I will be able to get through tomorrow.  And eventually time is speeding up and I 'm not counting the seconds, minutes, hours.

One other thing that some people really like is to have a "happy light" to bask in each morning.  You can finds all kinds of full-spectrum lamps on the market for every situation, even doing your hair in the bathroom.  I do pull out our little happy light every fall, especially for my kiddos that have to get up so very early for high school.  But what I find a lot more effective is getting outside midday for a run or a walk.  I see people walking on their lunches too which makes me think that they have also discovered the secret of sunlight in eyeballs (albeit weak sunlight).  The combination of exercise with sunlight is magic and tends to rev me up for the rest of the day.

I know many people have winter blues/depression.  I'm curious what things y'all have found to be helpful?

Mental Health Post #12: 10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone With Poor Mental Health

This post is for Derek, who has been writing top 10 lists for far longer than I've known him... ;)  Here are the top 10 things you shouldn't say to someone struggling with poor mental health.  (Not in any particular order.)  Many of these are things I have heard or are even things I have said.  I've seen them expressed both explicitly and implicitly.  May we all be better at approaching those who are suffering.

1. "You need to read your scriptures and pray more", for those who are religious, or "Think positive thoughts!"  for those that may or may not be.  Not only does this invalidate what someone is actually experiencing, it also has connotations of shame (as in, you are clearly not being a good enough person).

2. "You need to eat better, take this supplement, or exercise more."  I don't want to step on when people are sharing advice, but I do want to make it very clear that passive-aggressively blaming someone for their mental illness due to their lifestyle does not make mental illness go away.  It makes it worse, and can damage your relationship deeply.  Context is also important: if a friend is trying to help by sharing things that have helped them, then that is a win.  If someone is trying says this to make themselves look better, not so good. 

3. "The antidepressants you are taking are making you this way/the antidepressants you are taking are addictive and dangerous."  Let's just stop with the anti- anti-depressant stuff.  We have plenty of clinical data now that proves in most cases that antidepressants can be a crucial help for those that cannot find relief through other means.  Standard antidepressants (like SSRIs or SNRIs, you can Google these) are not addictive, are not dangerous when taken as prescribed, and do not make people depressed when properly prescribed.  (My only caveat here is that in some cases, teens and young adults who start an antidepressant can initially worsen in the first couple of weeks.  Physicians are aware of this and will hopefully guide parents to keep extra watch during this time.)

4. "You need to suck it up/pull up your bootstraps/stiff upper lip, etc."  This does not work in almost all circumstances for any kind of suffering.  I recognize that this is usually a response borne of frustration, but it is counter-productive and again, invalidates the pain a person is experiencing.

5. " Depression/anxiety are just something you have to live with. Everyone has it and we all just get by. That is how it always has been and how it always will be."  First of all why should anyone accept living half a life?  We have these wonderful tools, medications & therapy, and there is no reason not to do things that improve your mental health.  Also, saying that someone should just accept their pain and live with it seems to me like a form of gaslighting.  Along these same lines I would group things like, "Other people have harder lives than you and look at how they are doing," or "It could be so much worse."  One of the most frustrating parts about these statements is that I find myself saying them to myself.  It's not okay to say to yourself or anyone else.

 

6. "I am frustrated and angry that you aren’t acting how I want you to act." I am guilty of this one, especially in my younger years when I wasn't aware of how pervasive poor mental health is in the life of a child, family member, or friend (or myself!).  A load of patience is required when dealing with someone with poor mental health because they cannot make changes overnight.  Having realistic expectations for yourself or someone else is truly key here.  I love the line from Matthew 6:34: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  To me this line says that every day has its ups and downs, and we can save ourselves a lot of suffering by having healthy expectations and not worrying too much about the future.  Another way of saying this would be to "take it one day at a time."  I also love these phrases in the context of managing anxiety. 

7. "<<crickets>>"  I can't think of too many worse things than just ignoring someone who needs help, and yet we all do it because we are scared, or shy, or unsure of ourselves.  Let's all recommit to having the courage to reach out to those who need help, even when it's inconvenient or puts us outside of our comfort zone.

8. "I know exactly what you are going through because I was super sad when my favorite sports team didn't make it into the finals."  I wanna be careful here because I don't want to de-legitimize other people's pain.  But I want to make it very clear that sadness and depression are not the same thing.  Occasional nervousness about a high-stakes experience is not the same as chronic anxiety.  If you do not have experience with mental health, do not say you understand.  There are ways to show compassion without showing false empathy or being derogatory.

 

9. "I’m sure it will go away soon and then everything will be fine."  Brushing off someone's suffering is painful and again can be damaging to your relationship.  It also causes a breach of trust.  When someone doesn't feel safe talking to you, then you are no longer a part of their support system and they will cease coming to you for help.

10. "Just don’t think about it and it will go away."  I hate this one.  Like so many of these other statements, it strips legitimacy from a person's suffering and isolates them.  It also can generate unrealistic expectations.  I like to think often of power imbalances in relationships, and in a relationship where one person exerts a great deal more authority than another (for instance in a parent/child or teacher/child relationship), this can cause a wealth of damage.  Please don't ever say this to someone about any pain they are experiencing.  

If I could sum up this up, then I would say please show compassion and listen when you are needed.  Legitimize their feelings and tell them you love them, frequently.  It's always okay to say that you don't have experience with how they are feeling, and to ask them to explain it to you.  Then tell them that you are here for them and make sure you actually are.

 

Photo note: beautiful autumn mountains highlighted by stormy clouds.

 

 

Mental Health Tiny Post: Breath Holding

Did you know that people with chronic anxiety often hold their breath? It’s not intentional, it just sort of happens. I did not realize until my early 40s that I do that routinely. In fact, when I was pregnant with my youngest, I would be sitting on the couch reading (my most favoritist relaxing activity), and would suddenly gasp. I had been holding my breath and my poor fetus needed me to breathe! . Since I realized I do that, I’ve tried to practice mindfulness in deep, even breathing, especially in a stressful situation. Not only does it take my mind off what is happening, but it gives my brain some much needed oxygen. Once again I am reminded that anxiety affects more than one dimension of life.

 

 

 Mental Health Post #11: Book List

Today will be short and sweet.  Here is a list of books I love and have read that deal directly and peripherally with mental health, trauma and accompanying issues, in no particular order.  I'd love to hear any others you recommend.  I prefer the book copy, but I'm sure you can get any of these on Kindle or Audible if you prefer--none are obscure titles.

 1.     The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD: deals with childhood and intergenerational trauma and how they impact physical health

2.     Childhood Disrupted by Donna Nacazawa: also topical on trauma and physical health.  This book is sort of a spiritual successor to The Body Keeps the Score and builds on many of it’s ideas.  This is one of the main reasons the ACE score was popularized by the media.

3.     How to Hug a Porcupine by John L. Lund: talks about having relationships with difficult personalities.

4.     The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron: this is one of my very most favoritest of all because of instead of pathologizing a sensitive personality, it exalts it.  I highly recommend it to everyone because even if you aren’t sensitive, I guarantee that you will have interactions with someone who is!

5.     Securely Attached by Kristin & Mike Berry: full disclosure, I read this as someone preparing to adopt.  But it has so many great ideas about dealing with childhood trauma and mental health that I got a lot out of it for myself!

6.     The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz: I think of this one as a nice companion to the Highly Sensitive Person.  It talks about sensory processing disorders, and while I skipped some of the heavy science parts of it, it had some really great info for coping with constant overstimulation for anyone whether diagnosed or no. 

7.     The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog by Bruce Perry: I should warn you that if you struggle to read about real people who were abused, this may not be a book for you.  I found it an important read as a future adoptive parent, and also very informative on how trauma affects the emotional growth process.

8.     Boys Adrift, Girls On the Edge & The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax: these are really great books that take a look at how parenting and child raising has changed and some ideas on how to ameliorate some of the mental health issue kids have today.  I don’t necessarily agree with everything, but there are definitely some good ideas.

9.     The Anxiety Survival Guide for Teens by Jennifer Shannon, LMFT: this is a favorite hands down.  We paid our kids $10 each to read it years ago.  It is simple and explains how the monkey mind works and how to make better habits to overcome anxiety.  It also lays out some common anxiety issues.  I can’t recommend it highly enough.

This is literally just the tiniest tip of the iceberg.  There are sooooo many great CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) workbooks, and zillions of books about any mental health issue you can think of.  There are some great videos online (I like Prager U for one) that have science-based information that is really accessible.  When you are looking for stuff online, remember to turn on your BS radar and if something seems off about what is being said, fact-check the crap out of it!  Don’t worry if what you found turns out to be garbage—in an age where there is endless information (and endless trolls) you are bound to run in to stuff that isn’t good.  Or something that isn’t helpful to you.  The beauty is that you know you and can hopefully find the information that will help YOU to grow and be healthier. 

 Photo note: Emperor Sol relaxing in his Royal Corner...

 

Mental Health Post #10: Panic Attacks

Take two—thanks Facebook for deleting my almost finished post…  ☹  Today’s topic is panic attacks.  If you had asked me even a couple years ago if I had ever had a panic attack, I would’ve said yes, I’ve had 2.  But in the short intervening time, I’ve learned that there is so much more depth to the presentation of panic attacks.  The experience is as individual as personal perception.  To this end, here are some of the symptoms I have had when I’ve had a panic attack:

·       intense trembling

·       racing heart

·       sweating

·       nausea

·       hyperventilating-

·       fight/flight/freeze response (Google this if you aren’t already familiar with it)

·       catastrophizing (imaging the worst outcome for many scenarios)

·       zoning out and/or dissociating

The beauty of the panic attack is you can have all of these symptoms or just one.  And rarely has one of my panic attacks looked like what I’ve seen in the theater.  (See meme below just for fun—remember none of this is medical information and should only be taken as anecdotal experience.)  To illustrate, here are three different panic attacks I’ve had in my life time.

1.     Over 20 years ago, someone called me out in front of a bunch of family members.  It was humiliating, and I felt unjustly accused.  It was a sore spot in my life (still is difficult today) and haunted me.  About a year later, it came to my thoughts again and I found myself becoming more and more upset.  I sought out my support human (aka Derek) and I talked while he just listened.  During that time, I was shaking uncontrollably to the point where my teeth were chattering and I could barely articulate words.  I was sweating and felt sick to my stomach.  I did not cry, I did not hyperventilate and I did not curl into the fetal position.  After about an hour, I was calmed down enough that I was able to get ready for bed.

2.     About 6 years ago, for absolutely no reason that I could understand, I was sitting in church and suddenly felt the need to flee.  I felt emotionally claustrophobic and could not sit through the service for one minute longer.  I immediately got up and walked home (thank goodness I live close!).  I took a nap (I did not feel the need to take a rescue medication, aka a benzodiazepine) and felt right as rain when I woke up.  I still do not know what triggered this response, so I blame hormones.  So easy to blame because they are so often the problem <<eye roll>>.  I did not cry, I did not have any physical symptom except perhaps a little faster heart rate. 

3.     I have had one stereotypical panic attack.  I contract influenza about 4 years ago (despite getting a flu shot) and found myself struggling to breathe.  Derek took me to the ER (because of course it was the weekend) where there about 300 million other people with influenza in the waiting room.  So we waited and waited and waited and then we waited a little more.  My throat started to close up and I felt like I was suffocating.  I started crying hard, hyperventilating, shaking and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  The nurses came over and took my O2 sats and they were well above 90 (I blame the hyperventilating).  So I was sent back to my chair and told to wait.  I was afraid so I told Derek we needed to leave (here’s the “flight” part).  The staff told me I should not leave but I would not change my mind.  We went instead to my family doctor and they diagnosed me with bronchitis bordering on pneumonia (no Xray to confirm that one of course) and gave me tons of medications.  This one was especially difficult for me because I felt I had been shamed at the ER for my “melodramatic” display—it was especially powerful since the people who had done the shaming were medical professionals.  (Please don’t judge them too harshly—people don’t understand the power dynamics they wield in their various positions and they were full well beyond capacity.)  In this situation, I displayed many of the stereotypical actions of someone having a panic attack.

When a person has a panic attack, they are in an extremely vulnerable position.  The way you act toward them at that moment and afterwards can affect your relationship for a long time.  When someone has been kind to me when I was experiencing severe mental illness, it has changed how I’ve seen them probably forever.  When someone has been short with me and shamed me, it has made me feel unsafe with them.

Here are some things that I do to prevent panic attacks from fully blooming when I feel them coming on.  You will notice that many of them are similar or the same as to what I do to manage my chronic anxiety.  The key for me is to not put off addressing it—taking action immediately is crucial to keep it from becoming consuming.

·       Make sure my physical needs have been met, particularly eating/blood sugar issues.

·       Go for a walk or get some kind of exercise, preferably alone at first.

·       Use the 5,4,3,2,1 rule (I’ll append a link at the end of this)

·       Talk to a trusted loved one about the cause of my stress, if I know what it is.

·       Sometimes I find journaling soothing.

·       Meditation/prayer is of course helpful.

·       The very few times when it was not otherwise controlled, I took my emergency medication, a benzodiazepine.  Thankfully I have only had to do this a handful of times.

 Later, I like to look back over the recent past and see if I can identify what might have been trigger so if possible it can be avoided, mitigated, or at least emotionally prepared for.

Like any other disease, panic disorders take patience and work.  Having a good support system is crucial to my success.  I have had to limit things that are difficult for me like toxic people, reading too much current news, and not overloading on depressing information.  For example I have had to limit how much exposure I have to WW2 media (yes, I am the one white person in America who has still not watched Schindler’s List) because it is so damaging to my mental health—don’t worry, I think I’ve learned the lessons I need to learn from what I have consumed.  I still have times when I get stressed (as laid out in a earlier post) but I don’t feel like I come as close to panicking as I used to.  Again I blame hormones (or maybe I thank them for diminishing?...) and time spent practicing good mental hygiene. 

54321 rule:

https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx

 

Mental Health Post #9: Trauma

This next topic has been the one I've ruminated over the most.  It's by far the most sensitive to talk about and difficult for me to know how far to draw the line.  I am a huge privacy nut (because it's all fine and good for me to hang my dirty laundry out, but not other people's).  It's not really super easy on a personal level to address trauma.  There are so many complexities as to why and how people become traumatized.  Some are just so obvious: natural disasters, death, divorce, abuse of any kind including rape, and chronic illness are all things that we would expect to traumatize a person.  Other things that are clear when you think about them a little more may be having a more sensitive nature (the orchid gene is a fun rabbit hole to fall down on the internet if you are between books...), moving a lot as a child, inter-generational abuse/trauma, experiencing systemic discrimination of any kind, etc, etc.  One thing is certain: it's not generally up to a casual outsider to determine if a person has experienced trauma and be dismissive of it.  My opinion is that you and perhaps a trained mental health worker are the ones who can truly determine if you have suffered from trauma.  And not all mental health care providers are created equal unfortunately, so in the end, you are probably your best bet in knowing if you have experienced trauma and/or traumatic events.  And then with the help of a compassionate and qualified mental health care provider, you can work on creating habits and behavior modification to help you to have a better, more functional quality of life.

The reason I want to bring this up is that I believe people can make progress on their mental health in almost all cases.  I also believe that if it is ignored or not treated in any legitimate way, then it will get worse and progress as does most untreated disease.  When I say treated, I want you to know that I am absolutely not saying everyone should be taking pills or seeing a therapist 5 times a week.  There are a wide range of things that can be done to help treat mental illness, much of which is dependent upon how severe the disease is and how many other factors may be involved.  I won't go into a lot of detail in this post on medications or therapies, but I will mention that I personally have been on an antidepressant for over 18 years and have no intention of ever stopping.  There is a clear demarcation for me in how functional I feel and how happy I am.  Therapy has not been continuous for me, however, I leave open the door to receiving more should the day come that I need it.  (Derek calls me a boy scout because my motto is "Be Prepared" and that is definitely true in this case!)  I've talked in prior posts about things that a person can do, and that a person who has a loved one suffering from mental illness can do so, I won't repeat myself.  Know that long-term change does not happen over the short term.  Know that it takes continued work (while giving yourself much grace a long the way because it is such hard work) that will last a lifetime.  Know that you deserve it.

But back to trauma: as a child, I struggled from several forms of trauma, most of which happened over a period of years.  I moved several times (which I don't regret, but was nevertheless traumatic for me), I experienced emotional and physical abuse, I was bullied at school, I have a deeply sensitive personality, and I rarely had the gift of "felt safety" until my marriage.  ("Felt safety" is the subjective experience of feeling safe whether or not a person actually is.)  And while I come from a white upper-middle class background, like all women on this earth, I have experience systemic discrimination.  (It's certainly no comparison to what a gay woman of color would experience for example, but it is traumatic to me and I believe that because of that, it should be validated.)  This is one of the reasons I think that I suffer from anxiety (but certainly not the only one).  Because of this trauma, I have been challenged in making and maintaining long-term relationships, particularly with those with whom I closest.

How does this relational dysfunction present itself in me?  For one, I am deeply suspicious of other people's motivations.  I'm WAY better than I used to be, believe me, but even now, I worry that people who give me things will do so because they expect something in return.  (To a certain extent, I am right because many people that I have interacted with behave in a transactional way.  If you do something for them, then it's expected that they will do something back for you.  Clearly we need to change some of that about ourselves, without allowing toxic relationships to flourish.)  I also worry that when someone says something to me in text (social media, texting, email, etc), they might be casting aspersions on me in some way.  I'm continuing to learn that text is an imperfect way to communicate, and to not worry too much about how and why other's are saying things to me a certain way.  When you grow up with emotional trauma, you learn to question every single phrase or facial expression because you are desperately looking for patterns of behavior that will help you keep safe and know what you can do to avoid punishment.

Another negative effect on my ability to attach with those around me is my need for control.  This is, as many of you probably already know, also a manifestation of anxiety.  While I still struggle with this some, it's not anywhere what it was say 20+ years ago when I was first learning to parent.  I was deeply inflexible and could not handle changes in routine.  I had expectations about how an event would go or how I would perform some social role, and when that was shattered, so was I.  Thankfully Derek & God would help me put the pieces back together each time, and each time contributed to a little more resilience here and a little more grit there.  Now when something doesn't work out, I can usually comfort myself that better days will come.  Look, it's not perfect.  There is no fixing things like a beloved relative dying or someone being given a cancer diagnosis, or chronic mental illness for that matter.  But somehow, when you loosen those tightly clenched hands a little, you learn that it's okay to not be clutching so hard all the time.

Here's another fun one: I am so social awkward.  Ya, I know it doesn't seem too bad now, but for those of you that were my high school friends, know that that person you knew then is still lingering inside of me.  I'm bad at reading cues like it's time for me to stop blabbing and get out of someone's hair.  Or that I should take some hint that someone is carefully veiling with their words.  I guess the good part that comes out of this is that passive-aggression doesn't really work on me.  On the other hand, I also don't get subtext, like, at all.  <<awkward smile>>  I know some people would call this perhaps a bit of autism, and I'm not going to fully discount that since autism is such a wide and spectrum-y diagnosis anyway, but...  I think of it more like a dog that hasn't been properly socialized.  (What?  So I always have dogs on the brain...)  Because I had troubled relationships, and lived a pretty closed life until my mid- to late-teen years, I think I may have missed a few things.  Plus you add the the constant cortisol that was pumping through my veins and you don't tend to pick up as many things as perhaps the average secure child.

What has motivated me to work on changing?  For me, it has been an intense drive to do the best I can for my husband and children.  I refuse to allow my own trauma to destroy their lives.  I know that it does still affect them, not just the biology but also because they've had to live with me as I've grown into better habits.  I hope that with the bad also comes a sense that we can change, and no matter our age, we can progress in our emotional resilience.  As it said in some literature I've recently read, like you, I hope I'm a "good enough" parent.  While I know I'm defined by the trauma I've experienced, I hope that is in both a negative and a positive way.  I believe we can start changing at any age when we have the support and the desire to do so.  

Photo note: I saw this resilient little darling growing out a crack between the asphalt and the pavement.  Credit goes to the AWESOME portrait setting on my new phone.  I cannot stop taking pix with that setting!

 

Mental health post #8: Resources for Helping

More business: If you tried to look at these on my blog (giveusprozac.blogspot.com) and it said you could not, I think I've fixed that. Please let me know if you are still having problems accessing it.

Another common question I've been asked is what can be done when someone you love is suffering from mental illness. I've thought of a few things, but I'm sure there is just so much more to this topic so PLEASE comment with things that have helped you or that you've done to help yourself or others.

1. Educate yourself: we take time to look up whether Roger Federer is married (he is) and how many kids he has (two sets of identical twin girls--girl dad for the win!), so why wouldn't we take the time to look up major symptoms of a mental health disorder? Contrary to what many pundits have claimed, there is an absolute wealth of excellent, scientifically-proven information at your literal fingertips. The key is how to search so you get relevant results, and how to know if the information you are getting is valid. How to search I leave up to you to look up (try search string: "how do a good search for medical information online"). How to know if results are valid is often the result of time spent online researching, i.e. the more time you spend searching, the better you will get at recognizing reputable names online. One big hint is whether it's showing up in the first page of results on Google (almost always your best results will be on the first Google page if you're search string isn't too wonky--Google has essentially perfected it's algorithms).

Another hint that you are on the right track is that you are seeing the same or very similar information on several sites. Here are just a few English-language sites that are some of the most well-known and respected in the US: WebMD, the MayoClinic, Healthline, NHS.uk (UK National Health Service), and the WHO (and these are just general health sites). Mental health specific sites include: NAMI.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness), NIMH.NIH.org (National Institute of Mental Health at the NIH), Psychiatry.org, PsychologyToday.com (this is a for-profit magazine, but I really like a lot of what is written in there). When you are ready to level up, you can check out Google Scholar for peer-reviewed academic articles on a huge range of sub-topics on mental health. There is SO much out there. Just remember though, that if you start reading that you can cure mental illness through jello shots or that paying $35,000 to a Nigerian prince will alleviate any psychiatric pain, you are probably in a non-legitimate corner of the internet. I should also note that you should definitely take one-person accounts (like this one) with a grain of salt. They are great jumping-off spots for beginning to learn about mental health, but they are never the end. People are individual in their experience with mental health. Quick shout-out to many fabulous books I've borrowed from the local library and tons and tons of great podcasts that talk about all aspects of mental health from the biggest celebrities to your average Jo/sephine....

2. Show compassion: even if you cannot empathize with someone, you can always show compassion for the suffering they are experiencing. Dismissing and ignoring suffering does no one any favors and can make a mentally ill person feel worse. (Not that anyone should ever take blame for another person's depression willy-nilly. I know this is hard because as a parent, I am constantly worrying that I didn't do something right that led my child to have a hard time, but it's not always your fault. In fact, it is sort of the height of narcissism for me to think that I am responsible for everything good, or bad, that my child experiences.) So saying validating things like, "I can see that you are suffering and I am sorry that it is so painful right now" or suggesting actual things that you can do ("please call me anytime about anything", or "I'm coming to weed the yard you were just saying is stressing you out"). And please, for the love of all that is holy say I love you more often. Tell your friends, your family, your coworkers, the cute dog you see on the street. We all wish we heard it more often and it's not like it isn't true. Last thing: don't wait. Say it immediately & often, say it out loud, say it with your actions.

3. Model healthy living: you know how you teach your kids to do things like brush their teeth multiple times a day, only drink in moderation, and limit sweets? And then you don't actually do those things yourself? Wanna guess which lesson they are actually going to implement in their adult lives?... Let's just dispel one big stigma right now: counseling is for everyone. It's not just for people with "problems." There is no person on this planet that couldn't benefit from counseling. And frankly, if you have a close loved one who is suffering from severe poor mental health, then then you are one of those people with a "problem." (Pardon my sarcastic quotes--I really hate the stigmas surrounding mental health and sometimes get a little heated discussing it. <<awkward smile>>) The same goes for all the other things I talked about in post #5: exercise regularly, get enough sleep, meditate, self-reflect, perform service, take your vitamins and any prescription medications as directed, and take time to laugh. Not only will you be healthier for it, but you will also be better equipped to deal with the stresses of loving and possibly caring for someone with poor mental health.

4. Practice patience: we cannot force other people to change. I love the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." At the end of the day, we do everything we can to help the person(s) we love who are struggling but we cannot force them to choose different habits or to seek medical help. It can be excruciating to witness and at times, make it difficult to maintain relationships with these people. This is where we get to practice patience, and if you are religious, pray continuously that your loved one will make choices that brings them relief from their psychological pain. I have been very proactive about trying to better my mental health, and baby, I have a long, long road ahead of me still. I'll spend my whole life working to change my behaviors and knee-jerk instincts brought on by mental illnesses. In this way, we are again showing compassion for those around us, and the same grace we hope others will show us.

*Thanks again for everyone's comments. It's overwhelming to think of how much could be written about this. This perspective is solely mine and everyone has different experiences and perceptions of mental illness, so I really appreciate how y'all have chimed in. I also want to reiterate that I am in a good place right now--I've had some comments that make me worried that some may see this as a cry for help. Believe me, posting such vulnerable things on Facebook is the LAST thing I would do if I was not feel well. So don't send casseroles (but you are welcome to drop by sugar cookies at all times for no reason... ;) ) and know that things are good right now.*