I love my job. I love my co-workers, I love the variety of tasks set before me, and I LOVE my office space. I get to set my own hours, I definitely am my own boss (and then some), and I get to use my initiative and creativity in deciding what projects to take on. True, there is some basic housekeeping (pun intended) that has to happen every week, but even that can be done at any odd hour that works in my schedule. It's taken me more than a decade to come to this realization, but better late than never. I'm just glad that it didn't take losing it all, like Miss Scarlett O'Hara, to make me realize that. Now if only I could come up with a job title that isn't stigmatized (housewife, homemaker, stay-at-home-mom), degrading (preggo and barefoot in the kitchen), or ridiculous (home manager, sanitation engineer, child safety & control officer).
I also learned something so basic, something I keep learning again and again: joy doesn't have the same sweetness without the contrast of the anguish. So here is my running total for the past 5 months:
Anguish
1. Childbirth: I'm not talking about the actual birth, or when I look down and kiss those soft, downy cheeks. I'm talking the tearing and bleeding, the pain of breastfeeding, the lack of sleep, the guilt that you are not giving your other children enough attention, etc.
2. Lice: Dear little bloodsuckers, remember all that fun we had last fall? The endless rounds of Rid, full strength Listerine, and hours spent combing and picking hair? I hope I never see you again. No offense, but after about 50 loads of wash in 2 weeks, I was tired.
3. Swine Flu: yes, you appeared at the same time we discovered our dear friend, the louse, under Bub's fingernail. Yes, the kids each missed 5-6 school days and were grouchy the whole time. No, you will not be coming back thanks to our county's vaccine administrations...
4. LP's broken femur: at 3 months old, this kid has broken more bones that either Derek or I have. I don't think I need to go into all the suffering and lack of smiles from this period.
5. ER visits: besides LP's amazing femur trick, we also took advantage of the generous ER copays (only $50 x's 2 per person) and sent Derek (for asthma/bronchitis) and Domba (for croup from the swine flu) to our local hospital emergency room in the fall.
6. Mastitis: ooh, you nasty germ you, so tricky to fell me when I was exhausted from caring for for my broken baby. Too bad you're no match for Augmentin. Take that!
Joy
1. Childbirth: this time, I am talking about the amazing moment when your baby makes his way to your open arms and you get to decide who he looks like and comfort his weak little cries. And stroke those downy cheeks and marvel in the fact that your body is making the perfect nutrition for this perfect little angel. (Don't you love the way their eyes sort of roll back in their heads when they are starving and their eyelids flutter? Sort of the way I feel when I eat Lindt milk chocolate...)
2. Lice: One night, after so many despairing nights of finding nits on little scalps, I found myself crying as I prayed. Flu, parasites, fatigue: it all combined together to break the camel's back. Then something amazing occurred--I felt a growing feeling, a power really, that I should command the lice to depart from our heads and house. I did so, adding that any remaining nits wouldn't hatch, etc. The feeling was amazing--I sort of wondered if that was Moses felt, though on a larger scale. And you know what? We've seen neither hide, nor nit since that day. I've rarely had this experience, but I know when it happens that it is one of the ways God answers our prayers after we have done all that we can ourselves.
3. Swine Flu: anyone that has had any kind of flu recently knows what I'm talking about when I say colds are nothing, are pocket change, and bring on the snotty noses and endless, boogery Kleenexes strewing the carpet. More perpective for ya.
4. LP's broken femur: you really know who your friends are when push comes to shove. They are the people that bring you dinner despite having way too much on their plate anyway, that take your kids when you call them frantically on the phone, and that continue to send you messages and ask about your family after the initial hubbub has died down. You know who you are and I love you for it.
5. ER Visits: frankly, at least we have health insurance. And a working hospital. Oh, and we live in a 1st world county. That's more than most have in the world. Just makes you want to reach out and help them, huh? Particularly those like the Haitians who lacked even the most basic of necessities, like clean water, shelter, and food BEFORE the earthquakes.
6. Mastitis: hmm, what good comes of this one? How about the fact that I never had to get IV antibiotics or admitted? Or that my dear mother-in-law just happened to be in town during the brunt of it so I could get some extra rest, despite my broken baby... Let's not forget that I still count sleeping as one of my hobbies, and there's nothing like illness for a little indulgence in said hobby...
Having recently reread the book Mountains Beyond Mountains coupled with seeing the devastation in Haiti, I again comprehend that life is not suffering for the sake of suffering. In so many forums, the Haitians are painted as a people who are desitute, sick, and lacking basic necessities. And yet they sing, smile, work, and raise their children. No matter where you are, or what makes you hurt, it's all about how you choose to react. I can't claim to always have this attitude, but I'm trying. And if nothing else, I have my sense of humor and a baby to tease. It really could be worse.
