Mental Health Post #26: Expectations

I think the thing I wrestled the most with as I learned about mental health was my expectations.  When I was first diagnosed with post-partum depression (PPD) and started on an antidepressant, I thought I would feel better within a week.  Some of that came from how I responded to coming home after having expatriate depression (see previous post on this topic) a few years prior: for me, coming back to my home and to my familiar life brought me almost back to baseline within a week or so.  You can imagine my horror when the psychiatrist told me that it would take 4-6 weeks to see a full effect from the antidepressant, and 2 weeks to even see a mild effect.  Needless to say I was very disappointed.

Once I had PPD after my second child was born and realized that I needed to be full-time on antidepressants (not just after having children), I had other expectations in the back of the closet ready to be brought to life and stomped on.  I thought I would magically feel good all of the time and be healed from all mental illness, I believed I would naturally display more resilience and grit, and I imagined that I would automatically have more control over my feelings.  Let me lay these three fallacies out a little more...

The first one I mentioned is I think one of the most normal, but also the most harmful cognitive distortions that can beset people dealing with healing from any kind of mental illness/addiction.  As I expressed in my previous post, I have had to learn that normal life also includes some downs and griefs.  Life is not an opioid pillow where you float around all day long in bliss and contentment.  What taking medications, exercise, and having a wonderful support group have done for me is made it so when those disappointments come, I can grieve, and I can keep going.  I don't become non-functional, even when I am dealing with the monster PMS that comes from perimenopause (young women, be afraid, be very afraid...).  I grieve when people I love pass away and I get frustrated when my lawnmower locks up on me with only three strips of grass left to mow.  I sometimes don't get enough sleep and am irritable, and I even get mad at people (I know you're all SHOCKED to learn this about me).  I still have depression/anxiety and they still do pop up every now and then and I get to do a self-assessment of tweaks that need to be made for a fuller life.

On a related tangent, I want to interject that I have depression/anxiety and some other labels.  I, however, am not depression/anxiety.  I hope you have a chance to listen to the podcast I just posted about because there is a lot of talk about identity and labeling.  It is in long-form narrative, so set some time aside to take a walk, crochet or mow the lawn while you are listening.

I am just so fascinated by grit and resilience.  How is it some people are naturally just so full of it and others not so much?  At the risk of bringing up the same old example, my partner, Derek, is the most grit-ful person I have ever met.  Sure he's white and upper-middle class male, but he also navigated his parents divorce as a young teen, served a two-year mission in Siberia as an older teen, and has continued to live with and love me.  If that doesn't constitute resilience, I honestly don't know what does!  I credit some of this definitely to personality, but I also like to give his family of origin a lot of credit for being loving and supportive all of the time, even while going through some tough times.  If there's anything that our adoption training has taught us, it's that having parents who set firm boundaries but still express oodles of affection and love can truly change brain chemistry and levels of felt-safety.  I myself am not blessed with a personality that lends itself to bouncing back, but guys, the older I've gotten and the longer I've lived in a safe network of loving people, the most grit I feel like I've learned to deal out.  I feel more positive in negative situations and can be more of a peacemaker (as a parent must be) than before.  This is not to say I have magically become grit-ful.  I definitely haven't in by any stretch.  But I'm improving, and honestly, what more can a person ask than to improve?  That's what the billion dollar industry of self-improvement has taught me anyway...  ;)  

A library's worth of books could be written about control and mental health.  Heck, there already are judging by Amazon's offerings.  For some reason, I had this thought that antidepressants would automatically change my thought patterns and turn me into someone who was more charitable, less irritable, and more able to handle change.  It certainly took the edge off of things, but I would say anti-depressants gave me the opportunity to begin working on the genesis of thought processes that would trigger my amygdala and send me off the deep-end (so that I was catastrophizing and over-generalizing all over the place).  What helps me get out of the rut of these well-worn thought patterns has been intensive therapy and self-examination.  (It also helps to know that I have trauma in my history that needed to be painfully pulled out, dusted off, and worked through before healing can happen.  Unfortunately, this can be a seed that germinates into unhealthy behaviors.)  An important aspect of control of course is that people who have mental health illnesses can display controlling behavior in an attempt to feel better about the lack of control they may experience in their environment/own thoughts.  I know for myself that the more stressed I am, the more I start yelling at people to pick up their crap and do their chores!

There are so many false expectations and cognitive distortion that can come with mental illness, and I don't have time to list them all.   Let me offer a link to a nice article that can get you started in looking into some of the minutiae of these behavioral patterns:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking#definition

Please know that change doesn't happen immediately, but contrary to what some talking heads may say, personal change can happen.  It takes time and dogged perseverance, and the willingness to step out of your comfort zone and to ask for help, and above all, being patient with yourself.

Photo note: he has been hereby renamed, "Mr. Amygdala"...

Mental Health Post #25: Support Systems

Almost every.single.thing I have ever read, listened to, or been told about mental health talks about having a support system.  At some point, you may sort of tune it out, especially if you've checked the box and moved on.  In my mind, a support system is the most important tool you will have in your fight to equilibrium.  A support system allows you to try new medications and thought processes, and practice them around people who will support you and not excoriate you for making mistakes.  I'm no sociologist, but I suspect that this is why things like AA continue to be so helpful for so many people.

What does a support system look like?  I like to think of it as number of overlapping Venn diagram circles, probably resembling your social circles.  For me, I would have one that is for Immediate Family, one for Close Friends/Neighbors, one for Extended Family/Family of Origin,  one for Members of My Congregation, and perhaps some for different people or groups of people that relate specifically to activities that I participate in.  Of course, you are absolutely not constricted by blood: we have some very dear friends and neighbors that we consider family, especially after living all across the nation.  Age is also not a limiting factor: one of my very most beloved people in this world is in her 80s, and I have almost always derived a measure of satisfaction and comfort from caring for babies and young children.

I get a lot of different things from these people or groups of people.  From my Family of Origin, we share a lived experience and because we are genetically related, we also share a great deal of personality and physical traits (which obviously can tie into mental health issues).  From some groups I am gifted with almost unconditional acceptance (including my beloved grandma who recently passed), and from other groups I get reinforcement for many of my dreams, ambitions, and goals.  Some of the people in my groups are people that I rarely have the pleasure of interacting with, but when I do, it's just like old times and I feel fulfilled from being with them.  Others I see frequently, particularly in my Immediate Family (spouse and children), and they know that I am very fallible.  While we have disagreements, and sometimes fights, we accept that we are on this journey together, despite mistakes we make.  From those who deal with similar mental health challenges, I feel comfortable talking deeply about the medical issues and dropping some dank gallows humor.  (Better to laugh than cry, am I right?!?)

One thing that can be especially hard is talking about mental health issues for the first time with someone you just met or maybe someone you've known for a long time.  Being this vulnerable is super scary and I think should be done with discretion.  Let's be honest: there are still many people who are stuck in the stigma of mental health and even a few that continue to shame people for behaviors, addictions and life choices, sometimes even family members.  The people that you know and trust though (which might only be a spouse or a therapist) are those who will make mistakes, but overall will work hard to support you as you (and maybe they) are educated about things like therapy, medications, lifestyle changes, etc.  I feel like we generally know who these people are and are often guided to those who aren't yet a part of our lives.  

What if you feel like you don't have anyone?  Start small, with someone you really trust.  I often like to write my thoughts down in my journal--it sort of helps me gather and collate my thoughts so they are hopefully a little more articulate.  This person might be a spouse, a close sibling, best friend, or even a therapist.  Please allow someone in your life because working through these things doesn't really work alone.  As a freakishly independent person, I can empathize with the desire to shoulder on and do it yourself.  I suppose for awhile, I was able to do that off and on, but being functional isn't the same as being satisfied with life.  (Please note that I didn't say endlessly happy, because life isn't an endless opioid cushion where nothing bad happens.)   Read any medical literature, and they will tell you that having a support system gives you better coping skills, resilience, and even longer life, not to mention diminished mental illness.  Oh, and let's not forget about pets: we know that petting an animal can literally lower blood pressure...  (Had to put my plug in for my Loaf, as my groomer calls him.)

***How could you say no to this look? ;)***

Required Podcast Episode

I just listened to a really great podcast that talks about being "stuck" (procrastination, or whatever word you want to use) that I highly recommend.  Anyone that has suffered from a mental health issue will be sooo familiar with the various types of "stuckness" that can come from anxiety/depression/etc.  I've attached a picture of the episode name and number (The Science of Stuck with Britt Frank, #230) on the You Are Not So Smart Podcast.  I use Overcast, but I know this is available on all of the major podcast providers (Spotify, Apple, etc).

 *Please note for my friends who do not like swearing, she does use some moderate language.  So maybe not for littles, but the information is truly life-changing for those old enough.