Mental Health Post #12: 10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone With Poor Mental Health

This post is for Derek, who has been writing top 10 lists for far longer than I've known him... ;)  Here are the top 10 things you shouldn't say to someone struggling with poor mental health.  (Not in any particular order.)  Many of these are things I have heard or are even things I have said.  I've seen them expressed both explicitly and implicitly.  May we all be better at approaching those who are suffering.

1. "You need to read your scriptures and pray more", for those who are religious, or "Think positive thoughts!"  for those that may or may not be.  Not only does this invalidate what someone is actually experiencing, it also has connotations of shame (as in, you are clearly not being a good enough person).

2. "You need to eat better, take this supplement, or exercise more."  I don't want to step on when people are sharing advice, but I do want to make it very clear that passive-aggressively blaming someone for their mental illness due to their lifestyle does not make mental illness go away.  It makes it worse, and can damage your relationship deeply.  Context is also important: if a friend is trying to help by sharing things that have helped them, then that is a win.  If someone is trying says this to make themselves look better, not so good. 

3. "The antidepressants you are taking are making you this way/the antidepressants you are taking are addictive and dangerous."  Let's just stop with the anti- anti-depressant stuff.  We have plenty of clinical data now that proves in most cases that antidepressants can be a crucial help for those that cannot find relief through other means.  Standard antidepressants (like SSRIs or SNRIs, you can Google these) are not addictive, are not dangerous when taken as prescribed, and do not make people depressed when properly prescribed.  (My only caveat here is that in some cases, teens and young adults who start an antidepressant can initially worsen in the first couple of weeks.  Physicians are aware of this and will hopefully guide parents to keep extra watch during this time.)

4. "You need to suck it up/pull up your bootstraps/stiff upper lip, etc."  This does not work in almost all circumstances for any kind of suffering.  I recognize that this is usually a response borne of frustration, but it is counter-productive and again, invalidates the pain a person is experiencing.

5. " Depression/anxiety are just something you have to live with. Everyone has it and we all just get by. That is how it always has been and how it always will be."  First of all why should anyone accept living half a life?  We have these wonderful tools, medications & therapy, and there is no reason not to do things that improve your mental health.  Also, saying that someone should just accept their pain and live with it seems to me like a form of gaslighting.  Along these same lines I would group things like, "Other people have harder lives than you and look at how they are doing," or "It could be so much worse."  One of the most frustrating parts about these statements is that I find myself saying them to myself.  It's not okay to say to yourself or anyone else.

 

6. "I am frustrated and angry that you aren’t acting how I want you to act." I am guilty of this one, especially in my younger years when I wasn't aware of how pervasive poor mental health is in the life of a child, family member, or friend (or myself!).  A load of patience is required when dealing with someone with poor mental health because they cannot make changes overnight.  Having realistic expectations for yourself or someone else is truly key here.  I love the line from Matthew 6:34: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  To me this line says that every day has its ups and downs, and we can save ourselves a lot of suffering by having healthy expectations and not worrying too much about the future.  Another way of saying this would be to "take it one day at a time."  I also love these phrases in the context of managing anxiety. 

7. "<<crickets>>"  I can't think of too many worse things than just ignoring someone who needs help, and yet we all do it because we are scared, or shy, or unsure of ourselves.  Let's all recommit to having the courage to reach out to those who need help, even when it's inconvenient or puts us outside of our comfort zone.

8. "I know exactly what you are going through because I was super sad when my favorite sports team didn't make it into the finals."  I wanna be careful here because I don't want to de-legitimize other people's pain.  But I want to make it very clear that sadness and depression are not the same thing.  Occasional nervousness about a high-stakes experience is not the same as chronic anxiety.  If you do not have experience with mental health, do not say you understand.  There are ways to show compassion without showing false empathy or being derogatory.

 

9. "I’m sure it will go away soon and then everything will be fine."  Brushing off someone's suffering is painful and again can be damaging to your relationship.  It also causes a breach of trust.  When someone doesn't feel safe talking to you, then you are no longer a part of their support system and they will cease coming to you for help.

10. "Just don’t think about it and it will go away."  I hate this one.  Like so many of these other statements, it strips legitimacy from a person's suffering and isolates them.  It also can generate unrealistic expectations.  I like to think often of power imbalances in relationships, and in a relationship where one person exerts a great deal more authority than another (for instance in a parent/child or teacher/child relationship), this can cause a wealth of damage.  Please don't ever say this to someone about any pain they are experiencing.  

If I could sum up this up, then I would say please show compassion and listen when you are needed.  Legitimize their feelings and tell them you love them, frequently.  It's always okay to say that you don't have experience with how they are feeling, and to ask them to explain it to you.  Then tell them that you are here for them and make sure you actually are.

 

Photo note: beautiful autumn mountains highlighted by stormy clouds.