Mental Health Post #15: How to Help

Sorry for the delay, I was on vacay!  This next post comes by way of request, as well as being something that's been on my mind.  One of the most insidious manifestations of poor mental health for me is procrastination.  You can call it many things, such as shutting down, escapism, dissociation, hypoarousal, but the end result is the same: you are stuck.  I hate when I get stuck.  For me it happens over a period of days and weeks as my mental health declines, but for some people it can seem more suddenly, perhaps in the form of a panic attack that paralyzes them in the moment or several days.  No matter how it expresses itself, I believe it is usually because of declining mental health that happens over a period of time, whether the person is aware of it or not.  Here are a few tips I try to keep in mind when I become stuck.

What TO do:

1. Nip it in the bud: Many people with chronic pain know that you don't wait to take pain medication; you take it as soon as you know the pain is ramping up.  I know people do this for migraines; I used to do it for my severe menstrual cramps.  The longer you wait, the less effective the pain relief and the more you suffer.  I've talked a lot about being proactive with mental health, and here it is again.  When you see that you are spiraling down, get help ASAP.  Sometimes this just means talking with your support network, sometimes it can mean changing medications or dosing, sometimes it can mean in- or out-patient psychiatric care.  The point is to nip it in the bud.  But don't fret over not having addressed something earlier.  Whenever you start is the start of something better.

2. Start with something small: You know how overwhelming it is to see an item from the to-do list in front of you that is large and complex?  I read something awhile ago talking about procrastination in general, and the best thing they said is to break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks.  For me, it means making lists, sometimes on paper, digitally, or just in my head. I do so love my lists.  In the past, that often meant making a rough sketch of my day.  For example, when I had that severe episode of PPD, I started small and (finally) got the help I needed from my OB (aka medication and therapy).  Then since I knew the Prozac was going to take time to kick in (4-6 weeks), I made a plan for my days.  They revolved around the feeding/napping schedule for my baby and taking time for myself.  I remember one of the things I had loved to do before giving birth was the daily crossword in the newspaper.  So in the mornings, I took my baby for a walk to the local gas station and bought a paper.  Then I would do the crossword while she napped, along with other chores.  This small amount of structure helped me move on to bigger things that allowed me to relax into the days, even the ones where things didn't go the way I planned.  Of course, this has taken years of work to achieve and I still get flustered and stuck at times.  Then I do the same thing again where I take something small to get myself moving and make a plan for how I will accomplish what I need to do.

 

3. There are better days ahead: One of the biggest fallacies my mind likes to trap me in is that it has been and always will always be this awful.  It has always hurt like this, and I will always feel trapped by the insatiable emotional pain that I am experiencing.  This is a LIE!  I cannot reinforce this enough.  It is not in any way true.  I have been so down that I have been suicidal and started planning my suicide (in the distant past thankfully), and since that time, I have been so happy I've laughed till I've cried, I've had fulfilling relationships, and I've slept beautifully for many, many nights in a row.  I've also had disappointments and downturns, and challenges that force me to reconsider how I am doing things, but truly the positive has outweighed the negative, despite my many health challenges.  My sister has a little sign on her fridge that says something like "Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but most of it is."  (Sorry, Julie, you should post a pic because I'm sure I'm misquoting.)  Know that there are better days ahead even if right now it is almost impossible to slog through a day/night.

 

4. Take time to ponder: when things are rotten is not the time to revamp your life and habits. I feel like we learned this lesson with raising kids: when a kid is having a tantrum, that's not the time to give them a lecture on how they should've eaten lunch at lunch time so they won't have a meltdown now.  Take time when things are good to make plans for what to do when they aren’t good. I like to think through possible scenarios and imagine positive outcomes. 

 

5. Get help from your support network: Of course, no one can imagine every possible scenario, and you can never be truly prepared for when life punches you in the face.  This is when you stop being so damned independent and you ask others for help.  (Can you tell this is something I really struggle with?)  People love you and they want so badly to do things to help you.  Let them.  Let them be needed like we all want.  Accept the person picking up carpool for you, let someone come help tidy your house, and take the hugs that are offered. 

What NOT to do:

 

1.  Don’t continue putting the thing you are struggling off indefinitely because it will only get worse. I guarantee this.  I can count on one hand the number of times that putting something off had zero negative effect on my life.  Give yourself grace and allow yourself time to grieve for what you need to do, but in the end, you must accept that you need help and then go forth and do...

2. Don’t run away from it through escapism (gaming, entertainment, substance abuse, doing anything but the thing you are dreading).  As a teacher (Derek), and as human beings, we have seen people use gaming, TV, substance abuse, and other addictions to put off doing what needs to be done.  It doesn't matter if it's a mountain of homework, or social anxiety and the inability to leave the house: getting stuck and not addressing the problem can lead to addictions and worsening mental health.  This is probably a good time to say that everyone needs downtime: all work and no play right?  But set limits for yourself, be they time limits, chapter limits, minutes watching a show, etc.  (I love using my phone timer functions for this!)

3. Don’t make huge life decisions while having a mental crisis or under a huge amount of stress. Your decision making is deeply impaired and you may well regret what you decide tomorrow.  Kind of like rebound dating right?  It's also so great to have people to bounce ideas off of.  Many times, just making a decision slowly, over a period of days can be super helpful in knowing the right path forward.

*I just want to address one big thing after so many posts.  I hope you don't feel judged by these posts.  I'm not perfect, no one is perfect, and we're all groping our way in the dark.  I hope these posts come off as informative and helpful, and not judgemental.  Believe me, I am the last person to judge someone because of their ability or inability to care for their own mental health.*

Photo note: I voted.  With duck lips of course. ;)