Mental Health Post #21: Sleep

Few things screw me up more than not getting good sleep.  Ironically, not getting good sleep is part of the game with almost all mental health disorders.  Whether it's insomnia, or sleeping too much, or bedtime procrastination, there's always something in the grab bag for those who struggle with poor mental health.  I've struggled with all of these (and more!) in my fight to have good mental health.

One of the most severe times I experienced insomnia was when I was going through post-partum depression (PPD) after my first child was born.  I struggled to sleep every night.  It felt like I never slept at all, but after weeks of "not sleeping", I'm pretty sure I was experience micro-sleep or I would've been dead, literally.  Still, the feeling of laying there awake in bed, alone, for hours at a time haunted me.  I got up each day more tired than the previous one and I became fixated on my need for sleep.  I was just.so.tired.  Because I was bottle-feeding this baby, my husband and mother- and father-in-law stepped in to help withe night feedings so I could, ostensibly, "sleep."  We moved in temporarily for a few weeks with my MIL and she gave up her giant, super comfy bed for Derek and I.  It was exactly what I needed for healing and finding a new daily schedule as I was starting antidepressants and seeing a therapist.  But I still struggled to sleep.  Over a period of months, especially once I had started the antidepressant, I finally started getting a healthy amount of sleep and over the next few years, things eased.  I now know that what prevented me from sleeping was extreme anxiety (as well as the depression).  Not knowing when my baby would awaken and need me and all the fears of being a new mom, along with the lifestyle changes and the physiological changes of giving birth, realllllly made it hard for me to relax.  I still struggle with this because anxiety is omnipresent and never goes all the way away for me.  (It's just well managed.)  At night, I practice deep, even breathing (remember how I talked about breath-holding being a symptom of anxiety?), and I focus on relaxing the muscles of my jaw and neck.  I do this every single night.  The only times I don't have to do this are after extreme exertion (like hiking) or if I have to take something like a Benadryl that night.

I have to admit I have rarely had trouble with sleeping too much, though I know this is a common problem for those with depression.  But I have really struggled with having an uncooperative body clock.  I'm a night owl.  Like a SUPER night owl.  I find going to bed between 1-3am to be comfortable for me.  I've been able to sleep in late for the past few years because of arrangements Derek & I have made, but before that, I was a consummate napper.  Frustratingly, this body clock issue seems to have gotten worse as my hormones have been changing during perimenopause.  Just a few years ago, I found midnight a good time to go to bed.  I'm really hoping things will adjust better once I hit full-on menopause and the hormones get sorted.  In the mean time, I make due by napping when needed, and sleeping in when I can.  I often wonder how others are able to cope when they have wonky circadian rhythms like me, though I assume they are able to help control their sleep through the use of caffeine and alcohol.  (I tried caffeine and it's a good short-term solution for me when driving or vacationing, but I super-ultra-mega rapidly metabolize it so it just doesn't last for me.  Not to mention the fact that it messes with my mental health, and physical health, as well as my sleeeeeeep.)

But let's talk about bedtime procrastination.  I think this is something many, many of us struggle with, even those who may not have a mental health issue.  I think you can figure out what bedtime procrastination is from it's title, tho teasing out the why is a little harder.  It differs from day to day or situation to situation for me.  I know that when I had young infants, especially when I was breastfeeding and no one could take night feedings for me, I sometimes had to cut into my sleep time because I was dying from the lack of Me Time.  Derek would sometimes gently chastise me and ask me why I wasn't going instantly to bed, and I would explain to him that sometimes recharging the emotional reserves is more important than sleep.  This is still true sometimes today though I have a lot more time and flexibility in my schedule than I did with young children.  Today my biggest problem is the computer in my pocket.  Sometimes I find myself on social media or YouTube or reading the news and look up and it's been an hour.  This seems to me a common issue for all of us in the digital age, and especially bad for those who are working on better self-regulation.  I've used alarms, or screen time limits, or even going off of social media each time I feel like I am doing a poor job of moderating my usage.  Even then, I find that I sometimes struggle to go to bed, sort of like a toddler who needs a drink and a snack, and to pee again, etc, etc as soon as bedtime rolls around.  I attribute this to some residual sleep anxiety--after enough years of struggling to sleep, one can dread laying down and hoping that they will fall asleep without laying awake for too long listening to the clock tick.

What do I look like when I am consistently not getting enough sleep?  I become super fragile, emotionally, and don't deal well with distress of any kind.  I become less able to function socially, and I have less control over how I speak and react to those around me.  Basically I turn into a big ole toddler who's naptime is overdue.  My family has learned that it's best for everyone if I make sure I get enough sleep.

I recognize that not every is like me and puts sleep down as one of their hobbies.  (I literally was flabbergasted when I realized that not everyone else put sleep down as a hobby when Derek and I moved into our first young married congregation and we were filling out get-to-know-you papers.  What is wrong with you monsters? ;))  Not everyone needs as much sleep as I do to be fully functional.  But it's also crystal clear that for those that struggle with emotional health, finding a way to tame  sleep by having a consistent schedule, and clean bedtime hygiene, is as important as any other tool used to improve mood and behavior.  It's also super tricky and can take a lot of time and effort to find solutions, and just when you find a good solution, bam, you are pregnant or you hit perimenopause and you find you need to reevaluate your approach and possibly your methods for getting enough sleep.  Being patient and flexible, as hard as it is, can again be one of the most important things to bring to the table when working to have better sleep.

Photo note: if only we could all sleep as easily as dogs do...