Mental health post #4: How Anxiety Presents

As requested, this post will deal with anxiety because I live to serve! . Actually, this one is a lot harder for me to write about than the depression ones. Part of this stems from the fact that depression is infrequently a part of my life and anxiety is ever-present. Part of it again is how difficult it can be to put feelings into words. I frequently hear people use phrases like “high-strung” or “a worrier” or “stressed out” to describe someone who lived with chronic anxiety. These terms are nice for a quick reference but fail to expand on the full depth and complexity of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

What does high anxiety look like in me? How about I describe my a part this past Tuesday because it’s a nice little encapsulation of a high-anxiety day…

Tuesday was a big day for me because I was going to try to add a French conversation class since the BYU Haitian Creole class was canceled (due to low enrollment). I’ve been working since February on Duolingo to brush up my 20 year old French. Software is a fantastic tool but no substitute for in-person learning for a language. So actually, my worrying started long before Tuesday. I had intrusive thoughts for a few days before worrying about whether I would be allowed to add the class, how the class members (all much younger than me) would react, and whether I would be able to even find where the class was since campus has changed so much in 25 years. This really ramped up to the point that Monday night I struggled to sleep. I carry a lot of the tension from anxiety in my neck and jaw. Part of my falling asleep routine is deliberately relaxing those muscles. This was not at all effective this night and it took a couple of hours to drift off into horrible sleep full of nightmares. When I woke, I felt less rested than the night before!

Another symptom that was driven by the anxiety is repetitive thinking. For me, that looked a lot like a short to-do list that is bolded, underlined AND italicized.

1. Get up with alarm and get ready for day,

2. Call Derek when he is late getting home so he can give me the promised ride,

3. Get to campus no later than 11:45 and speed walk to the correct building to get the add code before class starts at noon.

I went over and over and over these steps in my head. It’s not like I was going to forget them. It’s not like they were complicated (like reflexive verbs or passé composé in French!). I am not even sure why I have that obsessive habit when I am highly anxious, though I have theories (oh the theories. Derek still makes gentle fun of me because I always have “theories”… ). I do know it is shockingly common behavior among those of us with anxiety.

Okay, finally we are to Tuesday. The easy part of the morning is driving my dear MIL to the Trax station. Then back home to jump from task to task as I count down the minutes before I need to badger Derek about being home “on time” (let’s be honest, it was really more time than I probably needed to get to class early). Then we drive to campus and I speed walk to the building all while being intimidated by all the confident looking young folk around me. And yes I get to the correct classroom 10 min to noon which is waaaay more time than I needed. I walk around the hall for a bit before slipping into the classroom nervously to sit on the front row. And…it ended up going smashingly well. The teacher gave me an add code and I noticed that she was sort of nervous when dealing with me (who is old enough to be her mom) and I was reminded as I often am: I’m not the only nervous one in the room. I’m a lot older and that’s intimidating to the kids around me. Breaking into groups showed me that I was around the same average as the other kids in the class and was able to hold my own in a short directed conversation. It was wonderful.

Afterwards, I felt like a deflated balloon. If you have ever experienced a time of high-anxiety, you probably know what I mean. I felt like roadkill, or laundry run through a wringer. I needed to sleep for a hundred years, but I was also on a high from doing something that was hard for me. So many conflicting emotions. It takes a bit of time to process out all of those intense emotions and self-produced stress hormones. Plus, and this is the ultimate bonus feature of anxiety, there are new things to agonize over! Just when you thought you were in the clear, you have to decide if you are going to actually take the class, and if so, will you have enough time for the homework and group projects? Will it interfere with all of the adoption work you are footing and caring for your family? The list is endless because anxiety, it doesn’t take time off. It doesn’t have holidays and it never gets sick. As with depression, it takes true work and willpower to stay rational while under the influence of stress hormones and learn how to manage and modulate responses. I’ve been working hard on it for almost 20 years and I suspect I will work on it for the rest of my life. The thing I am here to tell you today is that it has gotten sooo much better for me. Tuesday was exceptional. I have days like that a couple times a year now.

I have blabbed on for FAR too long so I will wrap up, but next I want to talk about things that have helped me in my journey to be functional and in good mental health.

PS I made a snake pretzel. Derek gave it pushpin eyes.