Mental Health Post #9: Trauma

This next topic has been the one I've ruminated over the most.  It's by far the most sensitive to talk about and difficult for me to know how far to draw the line.  I am a huge privacy nut (because it's all fine and good for me to hang my dirty laundry out, but not other people's).  It's not really super easy on a personal level to address trauma.  There are so many complexities as to why and how people become traumatized.  Some are just so obvious: natural disasters, death, divorce, abuse of any kind including rape, and chronic illness are all things that we would expect to traumatize a person.  Other things that are clear when you think about them a little more may be having a more sensitive nature (the orchid gene is a fun rabbit hole to fall down on the internet if you are between books...), moving a lot as a child, inter-generational abuse/trauma, experiencing systemic discrimination of any kind, etc, etc.  One thing is certain: it's not generally up to a casual outsider to determine if a person has experienced trauma and be dismissive of it.  My opinion is that you and perhaps a trained mental health worker are the ones who can truly determine if you have suffered from trauma.  And not all mental health care providers are created equal unfortunately, so in the end, you are probably your best bet in knowing if you have experienced trauma and/or traumatic events.  And then with the help of a compassionate and qualified mental health care provider, you can work on creating habits and behavior modification to help you to have a better, more functional quality of life.

The reason I want to bring this up is that I believe people can make progress on their mental health in almost all cases.  I also believe that if it is ignored or not treated in any legitimate way, then it will get worse and progress as does most untreated disease.  When I say treated, I want you to know that I am absolutely not saying everyone should be taking pills or seeing a therapist 5 times a week.  There are a wide range of things that can be done to help treat mental illness, much of which is dependent upon how severe the disease is and how many other factors may be involved.  I won't go into a lot of detail in this post on medications or therapies, but I will mention that I personally have been on an antidepressant for over 18 years and have no intention of ever stopping.  There is a clear demarcation for me in how functional I feel and how happy I am.  Therapy has not been continuous for me, however, I leave open the door to receiving more should the day come that I need it.  (Derek calls me a boy scout because my motto is "Be Prepared" and that is definitely true in this case!)  I've talked in prior posts about things that a person can do, and that a person who has a loved one suffering from mental illness can do so, I won't repeat myself.  Know that long-term change does not happen over the short term.  Know that it takes continued work (while giving yourself much grace a long the way because it is such hard work) that will last a lifetime.  Know that you deserve it.

But back to trauma: as a child, I struggled from several forms of trauma, most of which happened over a period of years.  I moved several times (which I don't regret, but was nevertheless traumatic for me), I experienced emotional and physical abuse, I was bullied at school, I have a deeply sensitive personality, and I rarely had the gift of "felt safety" until my marriage.  ("Felt safety" is the subjective experience of feeling safe whether or not a person actually is.)  And while I come from a white upper-middle class background, like all women on this earth, I have experience systemic discrimination.  (It's certainly no comparison to what a gay woman of color would experience for example, but it is traumatic to me and I believe that because of that, it should be validated.)  This is one of the reasons I think that I suffer from anxiety (but certainly not the only one).  Because of this trauma, I have been challenged in making and maintaining long-term relationships, particularly with those with whom I closest.

How does this relational dysfunction present itself in me?  For one, I am deeply suspicious of other people's motivations.  I'm WAY better than I used to be, believe me, but even now, I worry that people who give me things will do so because they expect something in return.  (To a certain extent, I am right because many people that I have interacted with behave in a transactional way.  If you do something for them, then it's expected that they will do something back for you.  Clearly we need to change some of that about ourselves, without allowing toxic relationships to flourish.)  I also worry that when someone says something to me in text (social media, texting, email, etc), they might be casting aspersions on me in some way.  I'm continuing to learn that text is an imperfect way to communicate, and to not worry too much about how and why other's are saying things to me a certain way.  When you grow up with emotional trauma, you learn to question every single phrase or facial expression because you are desperately looking for patterns of behavior that will help you keep safe and know what you can do to avoid punishment.

Another negative effect on my ability to attach with those around me is my need for control.  This is, as many of you probably already know, also a manifestation of anxiety.  While I still struggle with this some, it's not anywhere what it was say 20+ years ago when I was first learning to parent.  I was deeply inflexible and could not handle changes in routine.  I had expectations about how an event would go or how I would perform some social role, and when that was shattered, so was I.  Thankfully Derek & God would help me put the pieces back together each time, and each time contributed to a little more resilience here and a little more grit there.  Now when something doesn't work out, I can usually comfort myself that better days will come.  Look, it's not perfect.  There is no fixing things like a beloved relative dying or someone being given a cancer diagnosis, or chronic mental illness for that matter.  But somehow, when you loosen those tightly clenched hands a little, you learn that it's okay to not be clutching so hard all the time.

Here's another fun one: I am so social awkward.  Ya, I know it doesn't seem too bad now, but for those of you that were my high school friends, know that that person you knew then is still lingering inside of me.  I'm bad at reading cues like it's time for me to stop blabbing and get out of someone's hair.  Or that I should take some hint that someone is carefully veiling with their words.  I guess the good part that comes out of this is that passive-aggression doesn't really work on me.  On the other hand, I also don't get subtext, like, at all.  <<awkward smile>>  I know some people would call this perhaps a bit of autism, and I'm not going to fully discount that since autism is such a wide and spectrum-y diagnosis anyway, but...  I think of it more like a dog that hasn't been properly socialized.  (What?  So I always have dogs on the brain...)  Because I had troubled relationships, and lived a pretty closed life until my mid- to late-teen years, I think I may have missed a few things.  Plus you add the the constant cortisol that was pumping through my veins and you don't tend to pick up as many things as perhaps the average secure child.

What has motivated me to work on changing?  For me, it has been an intense drive to do the best I can for my husband and children.  I refuse to allow my own trauma to destroy their lives.  I know that it does still affect them, not just the biology but also because they've had to live with me as I've grown into better habits.  I hope that with the bad also comes a sense that we can change, and no matter our age, we can progress in our emotional resilience.  As it said in some literature I've recently read, like you, I hope I'm a "good enough" parent.  While I know I'm defined by the trauma I've experienced, I hope that is in both a negative and a positive way.  I believe we can start changing at any age when we have the support and the desire to do so.  

Photo note: I saw this resilient little darling growing out a crack between the asphalt and the pavement.  Credit goes to the AWESOME portrait setting on my new phone.  I cannot stop taking pix with that setting!