Mental health post #6: Emotional Responses When Depressed

One of the things that is so ubiquitous and so devastating about anxiety and depression are how they dampen the more sensitive feelings. By this I mean those delicate feelings of pleasure, joy, love, etc etc. For me, as with all things relating to mental health, it is a spectrum. Mild sadness seems to blunt my emotional responses mildly. Severe depression or unremitting anxiety affect me severely. When I am at my lowest I find I am literally unable to to even enjoy eating, nothing is funny, and I cannot feel my own internal guidance system. For those of us that are religious I would call that the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Others might call it an internal compass or moral code. But no matter what you call it, it’s pretty hard to sense. During my very worst depressive episode, I could not feel anything when I prayed. This happens to me too when I experience severe anxiety, mostly because my thoughts are obsessively going over my concerns and my plans to address my concerns, leaving no room for spiritual conversation between myself and diety. During those times I have to rely on faith and believe that my relationship with god hasn’t changed, and that those negative feelings won’t last forever. Because that’s the big lie about poor mental health—your brain tells you that you’ve always felt this way and you will always feel this way. And it really can feel like forever because the perception of time is slowed to the point of seemingly stopping. It takes so much strength of will to get through each day, hoping for a better tomorrow.

What can be especially difficult also is that I often don’t sense my declining mental health immediately. It seems to come over me slowly, sort of like the frog in the kettle never realizing how hot the water actually is until it’s too late and he’s dinner. This is why I am constantly keeping a background program running in my mind that is monitoring my mental health. I’m certainly not perfect and things can creep up on me still. Like I know that the amount of daily sun is waning in the late summer, and of course I will feel a little less energized and occasionally have slow days. But I forget when caught up in driving kids around and frantically keeping up with all my responsibilities.

One of the beautiful things I feel like I have gained from dealing with mental health challenges is perspective. Although I still sometimes have high anxiety days, or social anxiety, I know for a solid fact that those pressures don’t last forever. I am learning to control my lizard brain instead of letting it control me. And yes there will be new issues to tackle, but I have people around me that support me and I have overcome some gnarly things in my life that have led me to believe that I can do it again.

Picture note: super fake smile when my oldest was being blessed. I felt absolutely nothing but pressure and endless tears when this picture was taken.